Day 2 on Medifast
I’m not going to continue counting like this. It was also the first day of Summer School.
7:00 am- Orange Creme Shake. Very disappointed. Thought this was going to be a good breakfast alternative to my normal morning orange juice, but it was hard to drink. Not as hard as that mago juice though. The consistencey was rather chalky. I used the healthmate blender, but used a small cup so I was limited to the amount of ice I could add. Will try to make it more of a smoothie consistencly next time. Noticed recipe for making orange creamsicles too, which is how it tasted.
11:00 am- Cappacino. Very disappointed. I had really been looking forward to this one. To begin with, when I took it out of the microwave, it smelled like chicken soup. I like chicken soup, but I don’t like my coffee to smell like it. Also, the mix didn’t blend well and there were chunks of it in the crevices of the mug. Directions specifically said not to used shaker, but I do not see why not. Will try again, but not for a few days.
1:00 pm- Granola Bar. Loved this! The consistency was more of a chewy rice crispy treat, but it was good. Tasted better than a lot of granola bars I have tried.
5:30 pm- Lemon Bar. Was not as good as I remembered it last night. Icing was sweet, but actual bar had a cardboard taste to it. Jury is out pending further testing on this one.
7:00 pm- 6 oz chicken (lean) w/ 1 tsp olive oil (fats) & 1 cup green beans (green). A 3 cup serving of vegetables is WAY too much, except with salad. I think it would be a good idea to add a 1 or 1 1/2 cup sald to lunch time or just earlier in the day.
8:00 pm- Peanut Butter Bar. Gave way to craving more food psychologically. Did not need it physically. Not good bar. First bite was strong peanut butter and good. Then quickly turned to protein carboard taste.
I can definately see the stress relief in not planning meals. Grabbed a bunch of packets for my lunch box this morning with a couple extra and left. Feels good to cook meals. Need to find energy/desire/decency to clean up afterwards. This will be a better process in a clean environment.
Need to get better with water. Only had about 40 oz yesterday and today. Need to get it up to 64 oz.
Day 1 on Medifast
291 pounds (I think.)
Times are approximate.
9:30 am- Apples & Cinnamon Oatmeal. The powder tasted deceptively good. I had high hopes for this, but was disappointed. The consistency was more sludge than oatmeal. Perhaps I will try adding more water. I used the minimum because I like my oatmeal thicker… usually. May have also been better with some Splenda or cinnamon, but I was too lazy to get it. Interested in trying the cookie recipe.
11:30 am- Cranberry & Mango Juice. I love cranberries. I hate mangoes. The flavor was overwhelming in mangoes. Someone who liked mangoes would enjoy this, but I did not. Rather, I felt like I was going to retch with each sip. Will not order this again, but will make it through the other 6 packets… somehow… maybe try making popsicles or a sorbet.
1:30 pm- Chocolate Mint Bar. This was good. It had the chewy consistency of a protein bar, which may be good because it took longer to eat.
3:30 pm- Chicken & Rice Soup. Good and filling. Tasted authentic.
6:30 pm- steamed shrimp (lean) on 3 cups of romaine lettuce (green) + 2 Tbsp Rasberry Vinigrette Dressing (fats). Greens were limp. Need to wash and the refridgerate.
11:30 pm- Lemon Bar. Had just planned on skipping 5th meal, but thought if I woke up hungry it would make me sick. So, I climbed into bed with lemon bar. Tasted so good. Reminiscent of a carrot cake.
I was hungry at points throughout the day. Mostly, it was a brain-fuzzy hungry, but there was some serious hunger too in the afternoon.
It felt good to shop and buy healthy food. I am excited about becoming a foodie- researching food, making wise decisions.
My Stupid Mouth…
Everything that is needed to know in order to truly survive life can be learned from a John Mayer song. Forget Buddha and the Dahli Lama.
I would love to recap my 4 day trip to the nation’s capital with the boys, but alas, something is weighing too heavy on my mind right now to do so. Justin is playing soccer for his second year at the high school now. He has been playing soccer on YMCA leagues since we moved here 5 years ago. Last year he wanted to play goalie. I expressly told him that I did NOT want him to play goalie. Our school team has a consistent record… a consistently losing one. I did not want Justin to be the one blamed for the opponent-heavy side of the scoreboard. Last year, he wore a goalie jersey for one game and sat the bench the entire time. I had always thought that the coach did not want to pull out the first string goalie to put him in. Today he told me it was because he told the coach that I didn’t want him in goal. That makes no sense to me. I think he has a thwarted memory of the situation.
Well, today I went out to the field to pick him up from practice. I stopped at a van in the parking lot to talk to a friend and then what did I see… JUSTIN IN GOAL! I was madcap furious. So, I yell out to him that he not allowed to be in goal because of his back. This makes no sense. This past fall, Justin ran cross country. He had severe back pain and after a series of doctor visits and physical therapy appointments, he was diagnosed with spondoliliothesis. In other words, during a growth spurt, his spine shot up, but the ligaments around it could not support the shift and pulled the spine back, leading to the spine shifting. He went through physical therapy and it was almost like he woke up one day and it was fine. I can’t legitimately say the back problem I blamed was greater than my hedonistic reasons for fussing at Justin for being in goal. Justin scored the first goal of the season. He’s a runner, the fastest one one the team. He belongs on the field.
Of course, the cork popped off and I couldn’t containt my anger. I said something to Justin purposely so the coach would hear it and then told the coach that he shouldn’t be in goal because of a back issue… which again makes no sense. I know. It’s just what came out. The coach knows nothing about soccer, so I can’t trust him to know what’s best for the team, let less Justin. I wish I could respect Justin’s desire to help his team. He thinks he can do a better job, help the team… but I want him out there scoring. I do not want him taking the fall for the team… and trust me there will be a LOT of falling.
I really do wish I had just kept my big mouth shut. I wish I had not yet again gone with the gut, knee-jerk reaction and ran my mouth. Justin KNOWS how I feel about him being in goal. He openly DEFIED me by ASKING to go into goal. I wish I could defer to him on decisions like this about sports but it’s so hard not to push him to seek glory.
Not Cancuun
It’s Spring Break. Monday I hung around the house all day, intentionally, but it was a bad idea because by early evning I was grouchy with cabin fever and turned into Devil Mom. Tuesday we had a lot of running around to do. Justin got his expansion appliance removed and full rack of braces on his top teeth. Then, we got an oil change for the car and went to base to replace Cameron’s missing ID Card. Then, we went to Dick’s and bought Justin some soccer gear and went to P.F. Changs for lunch. Coming back to town, we picked up a couple of new movies and hit Wal-Mart to pick up my Rx along with breakfasts and snacks for the hotel room. Because tomorrow… we leave for DC!
There is so much to do that I’m not sure how much we’ll be able to accomplish. I do have an agenda scheduled just to focus our attentions, but I am going to stay flexible and nonstressed about the order of events. I found a great book a while ago about visiting DC with kids and it really helped me line things up. Unfortunately, it doesn’t offer any suggestions for after 5, but hopefully we will be so wore out that there won’t be the need for entertainment beyond dinner and tv. There is an ESPN Sports Zone right across from our hotel, so we will hit that at least, and hopefully only, once.
Today was the day for errands in town. I had an appointment with the lawyer about Jason adopting the boys. I don’t feel like recounting the details here because I just did that in an e-mail to Jason. I think I am definately doing better with this “blogger thang,” but I did contemplate last night that I don’t feel like recounting here what I just wrote to Jason in an e-mail, so I guess there will be some gaps in info while he is out to sea.
After the lawyer appointment, I went to a Relay for Life meeting. That sounds like such the social thing to do, right? Getting out there, meeting people, making friends? The only flaw in that logic is that my Relay team is high school students and the only people I talked to at the meeting were high school students. I’ll save that analysis for another day and concentrate on this instead… as I was sitting there just listening to discussion, from no where I get hit with that feeling of inferiority because I’m not “put together” like other women. I don’t wear make-up. My hair never looks fixed, not even after a $185 perm. It wasn’t even a weight issue. It was a feeling scummy issue.
Between Starbucks, Easter Candy 1/2 price, P.F. Changs, and take-out cheesecake (to eat while I watched “Biggest Loser”) I spent $75 on food Tuesday- mostly on myself. I surfed around Medifast’s website last night and picked out what I would place for my first order. At $293 for 28 days worth of food, I cannot consider the price as a downfall. Another good thing is that in reading over notes from people who have used the program I learned that you are outright instructed NOT to exercise in the early stages. I guess because the drastic calorie cut does not lend the extra energy to burn. Although I know I will eventually exercise, it’s nice to hear that plan’s not banked on those behaviors that if people were doing them in the first place, they wouldn’t need the program!
Sanity Day
I marked this day in my datebook “Sanity Day.” It was my day to get away from life. I went to the mall as planned- “THE” Mall, the one with all the schmansy stores. Although I have been to that mall on several occasions, I went into several stores today that I had not been into before- Talbot’s, Anne Klein, and others I cannot remember. I went into a Chico’s. This store carries clothes only in size 0-3. Isn’t that insane?! You would think that a store could not even stay in business with such a small clientelle, but obviously it does. I found it odd that of all the women I saw shopping in there- and buying stuff- none of them looked to be the size to fit in the clothes. My favorite store was Coldwater Creek. I loved just about everything in that store. I like the intricate design, the foreign influence. I would be hardpressed to limit myself as as to what I would want to buy. This, of course, proved not to be a probelm since it, like every other store I went into, did not carry a single item in my size. The upside, you don’t get a lot of sales pressure when you are near 300 pounds and shopping in a store for “normal” people.
I decided last night that when Jason ships out in June, I want to start a diet program that doesn’t make me think- one of those that will send you the specific food and you just warm it up on schedule. I looked first to Jenny Craig. I was lulled admittedly by the celebrities- Kirstie, Valerie, and now Latifah (just can’t make myself call her “Queen”). Researching it online some though makes it seem like a money sham- inexperienced counselors getting paid commission to sell overpriced diet food. So, then I thought about Nutri-System, but as I was surfing my way over to their site, I ran across Medifast. This program is appealing to me right now. I’m tired of food. I’m sick of all food and all food makes me sick. I’m intimidated a bit by the idea of living with one strictly prescribed meal a day and shakes/ suppliments. At the same time, I am a bit romanaced by the freedom of not having to figure out what and how much to eat. It did not take long for the image of Oprah in her black turtleneck and tight jeans hauling a little red wagon filled with chicken fat on stage to come to mind. It is poignant how seared into my mind that image is. I realize this is strictly a diet. It is not the life change that needs to occur to maintain a healthy life-style and weightloss. I accept that if I do lose an incredible amount of weight that it is likely some will reappear when I reintroduce normal foods. What I am looking at this as is “Time Off”. Time to figure how I will eat. Time to research food and resolve the food issues plaguing my life.
The goal that is currently on my mind is being able to fit into a Large at Coldwater Creek. Their sizes seemed pretty fair. I noticed the different dimensions between larges at various stores. And then there were the smalls, and XS, and even XXS. I cannot picture grown women fitting into those clothes. Right now the first thing I look for when I shop is size. Price and style play a weak second fiddle to finding something that fits. I cannot imagine a world where that would not be my first concern. I was rather surprised today to see how expensive much of the clothing was. I welcome the day that I look at price before fit.
Open Mouth… Insert Foot
I had another one of those knee jerk-big mouth reactions today. That personality trait that I so hate about myself, but yet I know which so succinctly describes me.
Once upon a time, I was a very negative person… and I surrounded myself with negative people… only negative people. I liked to grip and complain and only wanted to be around people that shared that “interest.” Going back to college and earning my degree, leading to the career that I felt was my dream deferred, lead me to a point of happiness in my life. I was no longer attracted to negative people. Sure, I had and will always have, those moments of catiness or downright ugliness in my life… but those feelings weigh me down now and I don’t try to surround myself with people that are directed by their negative feeling because quite simply it’s too contagious. I know it is my weakness that when I am associated with a person like that it will also infect me.
Well, I work witha teacher that has that “infection.” She likes misery. She NEEDS misery. She seeks it… and I think she welcomes it in a way that she cannot see or understand. I have tried to befriend her in the past, and even more recently. I invited her to church and she eventually joined, although I don’t see her around there much often anymore. There are days in which she is very pleasant to be around. She has a cerebral sarcastic wit that is quite entertaining, but those days are becoming fewer… and the miserable days are becoming more numbered. She has a LOT going on. She lives on the opposite side of the country from her family, to whom she is very close, and her father possibly has cancer. That is coupled with the fact that she has become a target for a lot of administrative attention… perhaps unfairly. As a co-worker there are days I try to be her friend… and there are days I sterr clear of her side of the hall. Now however, she is not just a co-worker, but also my son’s teacher.
This has not been an easy transition. My understanding of how difficult it is to be a mother in the school in which I am a teacher came to a crest today. Justin has SIX zeros in her class. FOUR of the zeros are for assignments that he did not put his name on. This is infuriating, but Justin has been the aim of that frustration. Then, there was a week in which this teacher was ill, really ill, and I know that it is hard to miss time and keep your class on track. It is very stressfull for me and I don’t even teach an SOL-scheduled driven class. When she cam back from being out 3 days though, it seemed like the class went into a whirlwind. There was confusion about what was due when and about the order in which certain assignments were complete. So, during that chaos, Justin earned another zero for yet another assignment that sat in his notebook complete, but didn’t get turned in on time. And of those 6 zeros, there was one which he just didn’t complete on time and has to absorb complete responsibility.
Well, it was quite obvious that this teacher had a bad day. For various reasons it was obvious the cause of her bad day was directly related to her job. He mailbox is directly below mine. As I went to get mail, I saw that she had wrote up a student for asking “uneccessary questions.” (I admit that knowing that cannot be contributed to a casual glance.) She has told me before that Justin asks a lot of questions. So, I went to forewarn Justin at lunch to just be quiet because she was having a bad day. Before I could even tell him this, he told me that him and another student were turning in their assignment as the class changed from the minute the bell should have rung until the minute after, and shw told them it was late. I don’t know if he specifically told me she wouldn’t accept them or if that was just the impression he got.
I went off. I went into the teacher workroom and rather loudly asked another co-worker if they knew what her problem was today. I don’t even remember what all I said. I know the overall impression was that I was so stressed out over her class that I just wanted to go to the boss. She stressed to me though that I really needed to confront the teacher about it first. So, skipping lunch, I walked back by her room to find her with the door closed, lights off, and head on her deak. So, of course, I wasn’t going to disturb her. Instead I went to the workcenter and called Jason, rather loudly expressing to him my frustration about the situation for all to hear. I did not like at all that the emphasis of his concern was that I needed to be a friend to her rather than an advocate for Justin. At least, that is all I was hearing from the phone peice at that time. Later in the day, I felt more assured that he would have defended Justin as needed.
Then the knee jerked. I went to the boss and told her I was having problems separating the teacher from the mother. Most of the conversation I kept vague. I don’t think I was very articulate in getting my point across. What I wanted to convey was the difficulty in knowing what was going on behind-the-scenes and seeing how that was affecting my child’s education. For example, I know this teacher was having a bad day, and I know she is taking out the frustration of that bad day on her students, including my son. I can’t make myself unknow that. I don’t think that’s how it came across at all though. I’m sure it just came across as complaining about this one teacher… which I cannot deny was my primary goal, although I did not want to be so direct in doing so. Oh how I so wish I could turn back time. The greatest outcome of that conversation was that I simply made myself look unprofessional. Boss Lady gave good advice, but it was logical and not anything that I didn’t already know myself… about how to be a teacher at school and a parent after school.
She did say one thing that has nagged at me. She said that I had Justin under a microscope at school. I have gone back and forth on trying to decide if she was directly telling me I was watching over Justin too closely or if she was making a general statement over working in the same school your children attended. That’s going to nag at me for a while.
The situation resolved itself in an unexpected manner, after going back to the co-worker from lunch to discuss the issue more and calling the mother of the friend whose notebook I assumed was rejected also. She graded the assignment. She gave Justin a 100. There was a Post-It with a note along the lines of ‘It is your responsibility to turn your work in. No excuses,’ which sadly makes me wonder if there was more to the story than Justin told.
So Justin got his 100 and went on with his day while I burned bridges and raised fences. Had I not said anything, I would not have cared so much now. Obviously the root of my anger was Justin getting another ZERO, and I wanted to believe it was UNJUST. Had I just taken time to let the issue settle I would not have to worry about something being said to this teacher about my rage now… something that only lead to Justin being targeted. In trying to what I thought defend my son, I may have did the exact opposite and mae him a target.
I absolutely must learn to hold down that knee and not be so quick to react and open my mouth. I must learn tact, decorum, and patience. I cannot be a person of value without these traits. It is nothing but trashy for me to go around running my mouth as I did in this circumstance. I took the low road and I am deeply ashamed.
A How-To Manual to Life
I often think back on this book I read several times as a young teen. I think it was called something like “Just Us Girls.” It was basically a manual on how to be a teenager girl. I remember the author wrote about having a pair of esperillas in every color of the rainbow. I remember too that she suggested instead of making a To-Do list that on a day you felt like you were accomplishing nothing, instead make a list of tasks as you can complete them so you could look back and see how much you actually had accomplished. I don’t remember much else about that book that I’m pretty sure I read at least three times, cover to cover. There was a similar ‘Instructions to Life’ book, written by Brooke Shields that I remember reading during those years too. I remember that she said to keep a notebook by your bed and that if you were unable to sleep not to just lay there awake but make lists or whatever- be productive and clear your mind. I also can’t remember if it was a technique to wake up or settle down, but she suggested stretching your body by starting with your toe and working up your body in small increments. That’s about all I remember from that book- except I’m pretty sure there were make-up tips and comments about the food at Princeton. I liked those books. I liked someone explaining to me how to live. What the directions were to life. I wish I could find one of those books today. I wish I could find a book that would tell me how to eat, when to eat, how to get more energy, how to manage my time, how to be a better mother, how to keep a clean house, how to make friends, how to find time for it ALL. Sure, I suppose their might be books on those subjects, but not one big fat synthesized MANUAL FOR LIFE. And, boy oh boy, how I wish there were.
Squalor & Chaos
I want to do this. I truly and deeply want to be a blogger. I just can’t find the time to do this! I know that’s such a cop out. I know that’s my excuse for everything in life- I just can’t find the time. I live in squalor and chaos littered with To-Do Lists that never get completed, if I can even find them the day after they are written.
It use to be that I would spend significant parts of the day journaling in my head, and then crawl into bed with my journal on nights I could be alone and get whatever thoughts I could out on paper before sleep captured me. It’s not an convenient to plop in front of a computer during the close of a day, even less so now that my lap top has died and I can’t even crawl into bed with it.
So many things have happened over the past couple of weeks that would be great fodder for blogging and self-inquiry. Jason has been shipped out for 2 weeks, so I had the perfect opportunity to take the time I needed to post, but did I? No. And why do I take the time to do so now? Only to avoid paying bills, which is what I intended to do tonight… on the 16th of the month.
Yet again, life seems overwhelming. There is so much to do that I cannot even wrap my head around the idea of where to start. I brought home a bag of papers to grade this weekend that did not get touched. I have yet to “finish” laundry. I mean ever. I would like to have just one day in my life in which the laundry baskets- all of them- were empty… just one day. I remember years ago that I use to pull all-nighters to get the house clean before Jason came home from being shipped out. In college, just 4 years ago, I would often not even start my classwork until 10 p.m. and stay up late into the morning hours to finish it. I cannot fathom having either the energy or desire to do that now.
I e-mailed Jason tonight that I was looking forward to having a week off work (Spring Break is next week), but I was not looking forward to being home alone with the boys. He replied along the lines that he didn’t understand why I often felt the need to get away from the boys and that I needed to get over it since we share the same roof. He truly doesn’t understand. I’m not even sure I do. But I do know that he does not have to get ready with them in the morning, drive to and from work with one of them, help with homework for hours in the evening, and have no time separate from them, except the couple of hours carved out for television at night. He has a life separate from us. I don’t. He leaves before anyone is up. Drives an hour to and from work. I realize that has its own “suck factor” and I certainly wouldn’t trade it, but it gives him alone time. I need some. More than the little time I’m awake at night after everyone’s gone to bed. And frankly, at this point, I don’t care if that makes me a bad mother. I welcomed the chest pain that I felt while stressed to day and imagined the vacation a hospital stay would provide. Maybe even having a heart attack would finally FORCE me to make myself a priority. I remember sitting in my class after school one day last week and body just ached from the physical stress of it all. A couple of days last week- or maybe it was just one- I had students telling me how tired I looked.
I am going out of town next Saturday. I am going to leave very early and I am going to stay out very late. I want to find something to do that is more significant than hang out at a mall, but I will take it as it comes for now. Maybe I will shop stores that have no clothes to fit me, and perhaps sneak pictures of outfits I like to create a photo album of the way I wish I could dress. Or perhaps I will be kinder to myself and go into stores with clothes that do fit me and try on countless outfits. Or maybe I will avoid clothes all together. Whatever it is I decide to do, it needs to be a respite before Spring Break so that I am able to use those days off to renew.
People Get on My Nerves
I’m a loner. I’ve been a loner most of my life. In high school I contributed it mostly to the fact that I had few friends in my classes. I took Academic classes, while the “clique” I was most directly associated with took the general classes. I usually had one good friend, and that person changed over the years, but I never, at any point, could have been considered a Socialite.
My adult life has followed pretty much the same pattern. I have typically had one friend I was close too and that person to has changed over the years. Right now, there isn’t someone I would consider a close friend. It’s hard. The summer before last I remember being at one of the boy’s baseball games, Jason was deployed, and I literally cried as I cradled my phone wishing I had someone to call just to share my frustrations with. I’m not sure what I was frustrated about. I don’t even think it was anything specific, but just a general feeling of anxiety. I think back to that moment often as a symbol of how most days feel.
I watch shows like “Lipstick Jungle” (ok… I only managed to sit through that show once) and I see these portrayals of close relationships between women and I am so jealous. I want to have my own social life, not just one that involved chaffeuring kids or church events. I don’t even know how to go about making that happen. One day recently, I got real proactive– surprisingly so, and went to the Rawl’s Museum, which is the local art museum. It was suprisingly small, but after leisurely looking through the exhibits and the gift shop, I worked up the nerve to ask about any upcoming classes, and what was I told? They didn’t do that sort of thing because no one was interested. I live in a very small rural town. I’m not a rural sorta girl. The Hunt Clubs and the Women’s groups are not my sorta thing. I don’t know where else to turn to meet people. I don’t know how to make friends. How sad is that?! I scour the newspaper looking for ideas to no avail.
Ok… but here’s the kicker… I don’t really like people. I want to, truly I do… but for the most part, I don’t. I don’t remember this always being the case. People used to fascinate me. I could waste hours just sitting somewhere, such as Starbucks or a bar, and watching people. I suppose I have internalized the feelings of isolation and have put up this wall to separate myself from others. Geesh… what psycho-babble!
Well, what started this whole stream of random thoughts are some of the events going on at work. There is a substitute that is really stepping outside the parameters of her job. I am trying to remain objective about the situation, but since my son is in one of the classes being affected, it is hard. It some ways the situation has opened my eyes to the ways in which I blend teacher and student role for Justin in unfair ways (because one of the major issues is the unfair advantages she gives to her sone when covering a class). For that blessing I am thankful. The dilemma that I have put myself into is that there has been such a laundry list of problems with this one particular substitute that I know I need to address the issue. Thankfully, the teacher that is most directly affected by the situation is someone that I consider to be in the associate realm of co-workers. So, hopefully the situation can be resolved at that point. Having to move on to speak with the administrator about the issue is only going to cause me friction with the sub, the teacher, and the administration. Unfortunately, I have already complained, in detail, about another sub to administration (<— dilemma). So, now I think I look like a complainer and presume that I will not be taken seriously. Here too I have to think about something an otherwise worthless boss told me once. Well, moreso showed me… which was to draw a circle and inside that circle write all the things I had control over, and outside the circle list the things I had no control over. Then, of course, focus my time and energy only on the things I have control over. Easier said than done. I know so many people that remain unruffled under what I consider to be extremely frustrating circumstance. Mainly, they don’t care what other people are doing or let the words or actions of other people directly influence their lives. God, how I wish I could be one of those… not blissfully ignorant, but just not get so easily stressed by so many things, or moreso so many people.
Yeah, I realized this post, especially the latter part of it may have been confusing in it’s vagueness… but I am still struggling to find the balance between venting and being politically correct in the case this should be “discovered.”
Blogging Rebirth
So… it has officially been over 6 months since I reacted to the urge to create a blog… never to return. The itch to blog has been scratching at me again though. The new dilemma about said blogging is that I am most driven to the weak self-therapy offered by journaling when I am upset. I rarely want to jot down what’s on my mind when there’s not a crisis or churning pit of emotional turmoil blinding me to everyday life. Which I guess brings me back to that same dilemma I voiced 6 months ago. What is the purpose of these verbose ramblings to be? Well, I have had some ideas on that thought…
I bought The Best Life by Bob Greene the other day. I could not help but to be lulled by the title. The garb within is just as enticing… What is your best life? How are you going to start living your best life? Of course, in essence, it is a weight loss book. I just deleted a huge chunk of text that rambled on with my relationship to fat (and my relationship to books about fat), but I deleted it because that is a post to be saved for another day.
I don’t know that I am going to attempt to follow the plan set forth in Oprah-induced-fame-Bob-Green’s book, but the idea of YOUR BEST LIFE may have me hooked. As I lay in bed each night and crave for sleep to find me, I am overcome by this feeling of anxiety. I have strugled to define it and can only come to the conclusion that it feels like a fear that I forgot to do something important. I am a list-maker by nature and I often end the night making a list of to-do’s I cannot forget for the next day and posting it on the tv in the bedroom or on the snooze button of the alarm clock. So, I know that the feeling that I forgot to do something is a fallacy because I have already inventoried the tasks that need completing for the next day and those that were left unfinished on the current day.
Thus, I am starting to think in a more cosmic sense that perhaps it isn’t the unbought dogfood or the unpaid bill, but the unfinished life that sends me to bed at night with a sense of panic. There are so many things in my life that I am unhappy about. Honestly, it is hard to think of even one thing in my life that does make me happy. So, alas I think this is the purpose of my journey and of this blog. I know self-improvement is a trite topic of which to write, but I think I will benefit from identifying the areas of my life that need improvement and journaling how I go about accomplishing the task to do so. Maybe it will hold me accountable. Maybe I can develop a reader base and get the input of others and maybe even influence others. Someway. Somehow.
